Our Beginning
This is my amazing story of grief healing after losing my beloved husband. We lived ’til death do us part’ and when he did part ways with me, God heard my prayer and answered me in such a wonderful way.
My story of grief healing actually began when Steven and I met back in 2011. Right away, he told me about his life-threatening disease and that he would die, though he didn’t know when. Polycystic kidney disease claimed his mother’s life, and it was evident in his life as well.
Steven had a live donor kidney transplant in 2004, long before I met him. The donor kidney had a life expectancy of 20 years, so I was hopeful for many years with him. I’m thankful for the eleven years we had together. I didn’t know then what I would find out in 2023: grief hurts deeply, but grief can be healed.
My Grief Journey: Encouraged to Marry Again
Over the years, Steven regularly told me to get married again when he passed away, and when he did, I was not receptive to the thought of remarriage. I didn’t want anyone else. There was no one like him; he was all I needed. In the latter years, he often told me to get married, to find someone else and fall in love again. I still didn’t care for the idea.
We would talk about what his life would possibly look like when his kidney would begin to decline. He would tire more frequently, have less energy, and no strength to go jeeping anymore. We’d already seen some of these days in the past few years of his life.
The Battle with the Bugs
Steven was hospitalized for three months. These months were awful. There’s no other way to say it. He was in a lot of pain as well as discomfort due to poor nursing care. It hurt me a great deal to see him suffer, and it still saddens me as I look at those last photos and retell his story.
Without going into too much detail, Steven caught some bugs at the hospital. As his body tried to fight them (c-diff and e-coli), it seemed that he became weaker day by day.
There had been plans for rehab in a long-term care facility. He had a long way to go as his body tried to regain strength and energy. Unfortunately, he caught c-diff and e-coli again. His body could no longer fight these bugs as his organs had had enough.
The Beginning of the End
During those three months, both Steven and I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions. There were improvements, then setbacks. It was a very stressful time for each of us.
Steven and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in his hospital room on December 7th, 2022. He sat on the edge of the bed to eat his tiny slice of pizza. He didn’t have much of an appetite. As we sat together on the side of his bed, I realized that it was the first time in three months that we sat together! It felt good. I loved him so much!
As we talked, I asked him, of all the adventures we had off-roading, which adventure stood out the most in his memories. I thought he’d mention the day that we almost slid off the side of the mountain due to the icy road, but he was quick to say, “the first week together.” Ah, I remember that week, and I’m glad that was his favourite memory.
Words of Wisdom: Get Married
Then I asked him if he had any words of wisdom for me. I was expecting a scripture verse, but instead he was quick to respond with “get married.” Those two words again…he was adamant that I get married; his greatest desire for me was to find love again after he was gone. How could I? He was my everything, yet I knew he was leaving me to go home to heaven to be with Jesus. He was so excited to see Him and that meant leaving me alone to figure things out on my own. I had always assured him that I’d be fine, that I’d make it. Little did I know how much it would hurt!
We began to plan for his final days as I released him to go home. I couldn’t hold on to him any longer as I could see that he had had enough. His quality of life wasn’t going to return to what it had been before going to the hospital. We both saw that, and so we had to make the hard decision. At least it was hard for me, but it was welcomed by him.
My Grief Journey Begins: His Final Week
Steven was in hospice for one week. He was transferred there on Tuesday, December 13, at 6 pm.
Our Pastor came to visit on Thursday afternoon, and we mentioned Psalm 23 to him. Rob asked him if he was afraid to die, and Steven said, “Oh, no! I’m so excited to go see Jesus!” as he raised his right arm in the air, accentuating victory in Jesus! I will never, ever forget that image of his raised arm and the joy and excitement in his voice! That will stay with me forever as it is part of my grief healing.
To help Steven with the pain that would come from discontinuing the anti-rejection medications, it was decided to sedate him. This would lessen the pain of his organs rejecting his kidney. Even after 18 years, his body would still reject the donor kidney without the anti-rejection meds.
We were told that once he was sedated, he would no longer be able to talk with me. He would be able to hear me, but not respond. So that afternoon, he told me one more time to “get married.” He was quite serious about this! We told each other how much we loved each other as we said our goodbyes. I knew he’d be alright in the arms of Jesus. But this separation hurt so bad! It’s like your flesh being ripped apart. Oh, right, it is, because we were one flesh when we were married.
He Lives Forever!
Steven took his final breath on earth and his next breath in the presence of Jesus on Tuesday, December 20, 2022, at 4:53 am. He lived 18 years with his live donor kidney, not long enough for me, but according to his appointed time with God, he lived the life God planned for him. I’m so thankful that Steven made his decision to follow Jesus back in April 2012. He is forever with Him in heaven now!
Grief Healing Hurts
I’m so appreciative of the GriefShare organization for its role in my grief healing. I joined the local group at the end of January, and there was one session that helped me tremendously with my grief healing. It was the lesson we learned that it’s okay to heal and move forward with life.
As I pondered the week’s daily lessons, I thought about the two words that Steven had been telling me for years…to get married again. I was determined to remain single, go out with friends, and enjoy life as a single woman.
Holy Spirit Spoke to Me
But that week’s lesson had me pondering the words “get married,” and I clearly remember the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart about what those two words meant. It was a fourfold blessing in my healing from the loss of Steven:
– Move forward with my life
– Meet someone else
– Fall in love again
– Get married
When I realized those two words from Steven were a blessing to me, I began to think of meeting someone else. Could that be possible? Was it for me? I finally accepted that Steven had blessed me and encouraged me to find love again. That helped me to move forward with my life without him.
[ Disclaimer: My grief healing is my story and not intended to be a judgment on anyone who is grieving longer than I did. Grief is a personal thing and will take as long as each person works through the grief healing process. Please do not think that you need to work through your grief in the same manner as I did.]
Grief Healing for My Brain
I was part of a Facebook group for widows and one day there was a post about how the brain rewires itself in grief. I read that post from Psychology Today over and over again, as it made total sense to me.
Basically, your brain is used to your loved one always being at home or expected to come home when he’s been out for the day. My brain knew I was united as one with Steven and expected him to be there with me just as he had always been.
Even though I knew Steven was in heaven, my brain took longer to accept that fact, as it constantly looked for him. I decided to help my brain heal by talking to it every day for about two or three weeks.
“Brain, you live alone now.”
“Brain, Steven isn’t coming back.”
“You know, Brain, he isn’t waiting for you in the living room.”
“Brain, you sleep alone now.”
“Hey, Brain, you can go to Jimmy J’s without Steven.”
“Brain…”
I would repeat this and other phrases to help my brain heal and accept the fact that Steven was no longer living with me. This helped tremendously in my grief healing process.
Grief Healing: Forward Motion
Another activity at GriefShare helped me, and it was using pipe cleaners to illustrate how you’re feeling now. At that moment in February, I was feeling like I was torn apart. I used three pipe cleaners, two colours, one representing God and the other two representing Steven and me as one flesh.
I braided them together and then bent one pipe cleaner in half partway through, then continued braiding the remaining two together. This represented me going on with my life with God and not Steven. I still have this broken braid in our wedding album. It represents forward progress.
At first, I couldn’t tell others what it meant as I cried so much looking at it, but now I’m okay. I know what it meant and that I’m with God until He brings someone else into my life.
As well, there was another thing that helped me through grief healing, and that was realizing that, though it seemed that I was moving forward to healing in a slow manner, it was still a forward motion. One day I’d be fine with things, and the next moment I’d be crying and hurting again. I would have whole good days, then slip back and have crying days. But through it all, it was a forward motion toward healing, and that was okay. That’s how grief healing works.
Grief Healing: Grieving Is Finished
As I look back on 2023, a year that started with deep grief for my loss of Steven, halfway through the year, I experienced an amazing healing from the deep grief and was able to move forward with my life. It was late June when I realized that I was completely healed from my grief. God is so amazing in answering my prayer!
New Love, New Marriage
I decided to honour Steven’s blessing that he gave me to get married again. I met a man (and that’s a wonderful story in itself) nine months after losing Steven.
Kevin and I have a deep love for each other, one that I have not experienced before, as he is a totally different person from Steven. Kevin is an amazing man whom I love and respect very much, and I am so thankful for God bringing him to me, as I had been praying for him for several months. Not him specifically, but for the man whom God would bring to be my husband.
As I found out from his sister, Sandra, and from his friends at church, they had been praying for him to meet someone to love and cherish. They had been praying for me for a long time, and God has seen fit to answer both our prayers with each other. We were married on March 2, 2024.
Thanksgiving to God
I am so thankful for God bringing me through this grief journey to finding new love, which I didn’t think could happen. But honestly, nothing is impossible for God to accomplish. I am proof of that.
My testimony shows the goodness of God to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. God is always good! What a wonderful way to begin 2024!
In Him We Live,
~ Cindy
